As I peruse Twitter, I notice that one of my friends posted something strange. She was unable to determine if the mobile game Kim Kardashian: Hollywood is stupid or good. I am shocked. Not only is this a mobile game, but it also featured Kim Kardashian! What could possibly be good about this game? Intrigued enough to start a download of the free title, I glance at the rating to see an average of five stars from 6,888 reviews. 

This can’t be right. I blink my eyes. I pinch my shoulder. This is not a dream. I wait for the game to download. I fill with anticipation to “join Kim Kardashian in [my] own celebrity adventure!” Yay… I try to maintain an open mind, but I’m skeptical. The game finishes downloading and I open the app. 

I’m greeted with a cartoonish, 2D-image of Kim Kardashian and a diamond-studded star with a “K”. The art style is surprisingly pleasant. Some light pump-up music plays in the background of the next screen as I am introduced to the default character.

I create my character and change my avatar to male. I choose to “Kustomize” him with a more casual appearance.

After finishing that, nothing seems too horrible about the game so far. I haven’t been bombarded with in-app purchases, but then again, I have yet to click “start”.

Before you were famous… you were new to Hollywood

The aphorism appears over a black screen, ushering me into Kim Kardashian’s Hollywood.

It appears that I’m working at a Hollywood clothing store called So Chic. Swiping to the left and right shows different areas. It’s rather fluid and feels natural. I’m impressed. Completing tasks like straightening shirts and folding clothing produce little icons that represent money and other items. However, they disappear quickly, limiting my ability to collect them. Some involve clicking things multiple times. Each task requires energy, a depleting resource. I close the store and leave the building.

Suddenly, a wild Kardashian appears! Kim asks me if the store is still open. She needs my help!

Personally, I would’ve told her to get a reality check, but she’s literally throwing bundles of money at me, so I guess I can help her shop. After giving her a free dress (which for whatever reason isn’t against the store’s policy), I leave So Chic for my apartment, right next door.

I’m asked to change, and I finally see the opportunity for in-app purchases. However, selecting an unavailable shirt still doesn’t ask me to pay money. I’m pleasantly surprised with the game’s self-control.

Kim calls me, offering an invite to the Metropolitan Magazine building in Beverly Hills, reminding me to dress to impress. She doesn’t need to worry.

I panic because my pants clash with my jacket, so I switch to a pair that matches the shirt. By clicking on an icon in the bottom right, I can see my tasks.

I take the bus to Beverly Hills and am suddenly confronted with music that sounds like the intro to a Jonas Brothers song.

At the building, I’m greeted by a photographer who asks my name. The game prompts me to choose either a custom name or “Brian”. I’ve never seen a game ask me for my name this far into the story. On one hand, this is new, and maybe even innovative. On the other, the game wanted me to pick out different outfits before my own name.

He explains that I should have a photo shoot. Basically, I must complete as many tasks as possible in a short period of time. I frantically click, picking up all of the icons and stars that don’t disappear. After I receive my five-star rating and finish the shoot, I level up.

Kim invites me to a party at a Hollywood bar. She and the photographer suggest I get set up with a manager for modeling.

Soon after, I’m confronted by my boss. He asks me to come in to work, but I can’t. Fortunately, I’m able to use my limited charm to ensure he’s not mad at me. From a typical “freemium” game, I see the setup. I can earn cash to use the metro and buy items, but some activities require the very limited charm. Both can be bought or earned through watching videos and completing tasks, tasks which require energy that takes time to replenish.

Later, I’m asked to talk with people to add contacts. I approach a girl named Willow. I’m given the option to either network or flirt. She’s a little too fake for me, so I choose to network. She seems a little too self-absorbed, always checking her nails… not really my type. She asks if I can introduce her to Kim. Everybody loves Kim.

Outside the bar, a man named Dirk Diamonds accuses me of hitting on his girlfriend.

Unfortunately, there’s no punch-out minigame. The minigames seem to be limited to clicking on items as quickly as possible. Kim Kardashian: Hollywood is about traveling back and forth between locations, making connections and clicking to complete simple tasks. My next objective is to meet my potential manager. He immediately accepts me. Why?

The manager seems to have some humor, but he’s just as shallow as the rest, asking me to put on some new clothing. At this point, I’m rather bored. A notification informs me that “getting new clothing, cars, and homes can increase [my] star power for love and work.”

I go home and click an icon to add a couch to my apartment. It costs more money than I have, so I’m finally asked to pay real money to make an in-app purchase. Even as I change clothes, a jacket requires a ridiculous amount of charm to buy. The game suddenly bombards me with the “need” to pay real money. It spirals out of control. I have to wait to regain energy, or else be subjected to various fees for purchases.

The game isn’t worse than any other trash on the App Store, and I actually see some interesting and innovative ideas; however, it still pushes superficial messages and in-app purchases aggressively, and that tends to take away from any game, even if it does have some potential to be addictive and fun. I delete the app. Goodbye Kim. It just wasn’t meant to be. You wanted more money than I could provide, and quite frankly, you became a bit of a gold digger. I can see the appeal to spending the rest of the night with you, but honestly, I’d rather read a book or listen to Weird Al. Goodnight, Kim Kardashian.

---

Darwin Leuba is an associate writer at MONG. You can follow him on Twitter @darwinleuba as he revels in other awesome exploits.