[Satire] Titanfall U: Next Titanfall to be Wii U Exclusive

At the 2015 Technology, Internet, and Media Conference, Blake Jorgensen, Electronic Art’s CFO, lamented that Titanfall, which was released on both Xbox and PC, was Xbox only.

“Last year, it was on the Xbox only; in the future, we hope to alternate its exclusivity between the consoles,” he said. “We think that the Wii U’s Pro Controller could really add to the experience, which is why I am announcing that in 2016, EA will be releasing TitanFall U as a Wii U Exclusive.”

Spectators were seen rejoicing as they photographed the moment with their 3D Cameras on their New 3DS XLs.

“I am just so happy,” remarked Middle of Somewhere Gaming journalist Jonathan Doe. “Ever since I first heard Titanfall, I’ve wanted two things: Universal Health Care and the chance to play Titanfall on Wii U.”

After the jubilations died down, Jorgensen went on to discuss the mechanics of the new game in an unheard of reveal. “We’ll be taking advantage of the Wii U Pro Controller’s battery life,” he explained. “The core game experience will provide an hour of gameplay, but by purchasing the Expanded Ultimate Mega Edition of Titanfall, players receive an additional 79 hours of gameplay.”

He then went on to discuss some of EA’s previous shortcomings.

“We know some people were upset that we’ve released ‘broken’ games in the past, which is why we’ve been hard at work developing a solution. While players wait for our teams to implement solutions to bugs of which they were already aware, they can go to EACares.com, where we provide access to sites such as Reddit or BuzzFeed. This allows our players to buy the game now, and wait from the comfort of their own home as we push out a solution.”

Darwin Leuba is an Associate Writer at MONG. You can follow him on Twitter @darwinleuba as he revels in other awesome and semi-comedic exploits.

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