[Satire] Bowser Hijacks Princess Peach’s Castle

Today’s grand prix was interrupted as Toad reported that Princess Peach’s estate had been hijacked by none other than the notorious repeat-offender, Bowser. The crisis has brought many Mushroom Kingdom issues to light. “I was baking a cake for the grand prix’s after-party, when suddenly, I heard a crash upstairs. I escaped through the back door and immediately alerted the authorities,” said Toad, explaining his story throughout the situation.

Middle of Nowhere Gaming reached out to the Snufit Police for comment. While nothing is official at this time, a representative suggested that Bowser had taken Princess Peach hostage and locked her in the castle’s main tower, which has happened each year for the last few years.

One eyewitness claimed to see a large group of carpenters entering the castle. This was later confirmed as spectators observed changes to the castle’s design which conformed to King Koopa’s brand of green domes with yellow spikes. Additionally, we have confirmed that a Magikoopa has converted the contents of the castle’s moat from water to lava. The resulting radiation has made it difficult to obtain and transmit footage to MONG’s headquarters.

Many Mushroom Kingdom residents are upset that the takeover is disturbing an event that is vital to the kingdom’s economy. Throughout the year, businesses struggle to compete with the Isle Delfino Resort. The annual grand prix is said to bring in thousands of gold coins each year, providing a much needed boost to many small businesses. Luigi, a participant in the race, commented that the occurrence was “outrageous” and soon left to “find the individual responsible and glare at him or her.”

We should be focusing on issues at home!
We should be focusing on issues at home!

Others, such as wiggler, are outraged by the frequency of this occurrence, suggesting that more of their tax-coins should be allocated to the kingdom’s defense, rather than experimental research in helicopter suits or subsidized hormone supplements for Birdo. “Too much money is being poured into mushroom therapy and space exploration. We should be focusing on issues at home,” he noted.

Mario, Peach’s boyfriend, has pushed for greater security measures around the castle. Unfortunately, due to lavish spending and constant maintenance, the castle’s estate has been in the red, which forced the termination of its private security team just last year.

On the other hand, some are benefiting from Bowser’s occupation. The private security firm, “Goomba Industries”, has controversially entered into a retainer agreement with Bowser. While this has angered many residents, the firm’s founder and CEO, Grand Goomba, assured that Bowser has legal basis for invading the castle, suggesting that Peach’s grounds may contain weapons of mass destruction, a legitimate threat to the safety of Mushroom Kingdom. Grainy images have been released that show what appear to be “Bullet Bills” which are known to be powerful armaments.

Update: We have just received word that Mario has hired a professional to regain control of the castle while defeating Bowser and extracting Princess Peach. Currently, we only know the professional by their name: Player 1.

Darwin Leuba is an Associate Writer at MONG. You can follow him on Twitter @darwinleuba as he revels in other awesome and semi-comedic exploits.

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